I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
