trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
