I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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