Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize