also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so let's talk penis.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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