He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
