I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
