he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize