I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
