if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it glows. i had to have it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
