I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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