so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
