so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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