Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
