I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
