kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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