You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
