Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
