I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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