Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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