You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
