you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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