Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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