I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
