Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
