I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize