i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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