god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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