did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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