final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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