So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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