Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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