Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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