I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
