My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
