chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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