The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
