Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
