Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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