Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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