Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
