On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
