I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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