So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
