Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
barbara walters just said penis...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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