And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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