Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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