Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
