Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
