we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
