i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
