I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
