Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
