I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
pray to the hookup gods
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
