why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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