how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm too high and old for this...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
