Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
