That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize