Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have surprise drugs for everyone
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
