just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
