420 ftw
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
