I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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